I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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