Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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