Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
