FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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