I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Randomize
