the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
