Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
