I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
