She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
