hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
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I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
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The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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