Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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