We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
