and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
