I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
