Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
