trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
