you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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