Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
