Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
