Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize