I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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