im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
