I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
