A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
