Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
