I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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