If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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