Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
