I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
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I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
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He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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