ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm just crazy horny about you
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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