I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
