The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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