Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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