dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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