There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen