I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.