I just saw a hot homeless man
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
