the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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