Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
