R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
