i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
