I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
