so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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