Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
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She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
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I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
be right there i have to get my cape
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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