Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
