69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
