did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
