we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
