I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
