I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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