So drunk its hurt
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
