I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
