I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
