Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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