were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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