i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
