I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
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I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
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You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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