Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
