fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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